goodcynthesis

Love, really

I am in the middle of writing the liturgy for the funeral of a husband and wife and their oldest son. Last night I held the family as a line of people snaked through the funeral home. It was overwhelming for everyone. Yesterday I got the news that my neighbor’s father died suddenly. I sit looking out at the water and my heart breaks – breaks for the sorrow and the pain, breaks for the loss and the hard days ahead. As I write the funeral I write about love, which in the end is all there is, and I remember the same feeling of heart breaking when people were so kind to me through my cancer. It is love that breaks our hearts because it can’t be contained.

The Passing of Time

Early, really early, in the morning, I will fly to Maryland to a conference of the Fellowship of United Methodist Spiritual Directors and Retreat Leaders (FUMSDRL!) I am both eager and a bit anxious. Two years ago I went to my first meeting. It was in Tucson on the edge of the Saguaro National Park. I watched the sun rise over the cactus and felt a resonance with the desert I hadn’t experienced before. I talked with people who felt like “my tribe.” I came home eager to find a program to be certified in spiritual direction.

Two years ago also went to discern what to do next with my health. I had just received the diagnosis of LCIS and was being encouraged to take tamoxifen prophylactically. I wanted some time to think about it. I went back from that conference and found the program at Ghost Ranch. I went back from that conference and found “real” cancer and began the journey that continues in one way or another.

Two years ago I went to the desert, I found a community, a renewed calling and strength for the journey. Who knows what I’ll find this time!

authenticity

There is nothing like having a 12 year old daughter to keep you real. I know that it’s her job to work on defining herself as opposed to me. It’s my job to remain authentic, to make choices and decisions that feel true so that when she pushes I can feel like she’s pushing against things that are defensible. There is nothing like having a 12 year old daughter to help push me deeper into myself. If I can just remember that!

Running away

Yesterday I dropped my parents off for their flight back home. On the way back I went through the drive through at Starbucks. Katie cheerfully took my order and as I drove up to the window she was chatting with a co-worker. I joined in the conversation.

“You’d go home with anyone”
“Well, he was a little geeky but he was in a Lotus.
(Turning to me) She said I’d go with anyone.”
“Probably not a minivan”
“I don’t know where are you going?”
“Just back home to my kids and dogs.”
“That might be ok if I didn’t have to do all the work!”

It got me to thinking about what car I might hop into to go some place different, some place other, some place new. I couldn’t think of anything that would compell me to run away. Partially because I’m happy where I am and partially because I believe the phrase ” Where ever you go you are still there.” So, I drove away from the Starbucks with my venti Americano back to my children and my dogs and my husband and my tasks and my life.

Riding the waves

The sky is grey, the water is rough, the house is quiet. I’ve already walked the dogs down to the beach and back, now they are resting on the sofa as the clock ticks. I’m missing being on the water. I’m missing the endorphins as well as the calm. We are shifting into the next portion of the summer. My parents arrive from their trip to Ireland tomorrow. We will have a week with them before moving onto the next phase. These transitions are never easy. Yesterday the kids just caught their breaths. Today we will drive north. It’s all about riding the waves, grey and rough as they may be.

Dreaming

It has been two months, more or less, that I have been eating smarter, exercising more, settling into this renewed life. It isn’t quite a year from the start of radiation, about a year from when I headed to Ghost Ranch for the first time. So much has happened since then. It has taken is year to settle, to settle down, to rest into life.

I am trying to imagine what I want for this new, renewed life. Most of my life has been spent responding. Much of my life has been spent receiving what the world has to offer – jobs, experiences, opportunities. I haven’t spent too much time thinking about what I want to do. It hasn’t been a bad life, the opportunities that I have responded to have been wonderful, but I want to take a moment or two, a day or two, or more to dream.

In the meanwhile, it’s the last day of camp for my kids. There are more bits of summer to savor.